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Workplace Policies (Effective Immediately) 1.1 Disagreements Minor disagreements shall be settled with small acts of violence: a slap to the face, a stapler to the groin, or a laptop to the knees are just a few examples. Employees may use any workplace object or surface in order to injure other employees. Remember: violence encourages others to better understand your way of thinking, and fosters respect in future disagreements. Those who attempt to settle minor disagreements with reason and dialogue shall be in violation of The Code. Major disagreements shall be settled by dropping the gloves and chucking knuckles. The last employee standing shall be considered in the right, though both employees shall be sent home for the duration of that workday. Third parties in disagreements are strictly forbidden, and any third party combatants shall be sent home without pay for the duration of the workweek, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. Third party incidents shall be ignored if the number of those in the disagreement grows to include the division or team its entirety. Those not participating in a full-division disagreement shall be in violation of The Code and will be considered to be absent of grit and admirable character. 1.2 Benefits and Compensation Benefits and compensation shall henceforth be awarded without reason or rationale. Lower level employees will inexplicably, at times, be better compensated than executives or long-serving employees. Those in the Toronto offices shall be compensated at a rate double of that in regional offices. Performance shall have little to do with compensation. Unquantifiable intangibles will be cited as reasons for inflated remuneration. Those who have outstanding fourth quarters shall be rewarded for that quarter in ignorance of all previous quarters. Those who carry the bulk of the workload and adhere to The Code shall be rewarded in empty platitudes, but not monetarily, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. 1.3 Responsibility Failure and underperformance by teams and divisions shall fall upon the team leaders and divisional executives. If teams or divisions fail to meet expectations, the team leader or divisional executive shall be summarily dismissed. Teams and divisions will publicly praise their dismissed leaders, and will promise to continue to support the organization with efforts of no less than 110%. 1.4 Discrimination and Harassment We expect and demand a respectful and professional work environment. Discrimination shall not be accepted under any circumstances, with the following exceptions: If it involves Europeans. If it involves French Canadians. If it involves non-Canadians. If its really funny. Harassment shall be tolerated only under the following circumstances: If it involves interns. If it involves first-year employees. If it involves guys who had it coming. If its really funny. For circumstances that do not fall into the above categories, please refer to The Code. 1.5 Statement on the Bearing of Firearms Carrying of firearms is strictly prohibited. This is not the NFL. 1.6 Health & Safety All workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be kept private, and referred to only as upper- and lower-body ailments. Employees who are absent while suffering from workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be considered to be lacking grit and admirable character. Should an employee be absent due to non-workplace health issues (hangovers, STDs, pregnant in an adulterous affair), their ailment shall be referred to as the flu or food poisoning. Information concerning hangovers, STDs, and pregnancies from adulterous affairs shall be kept within the organization, under the purview of The Code, and because they are indicative of grit and admirable character. For safety purposes, suits and protective headwear shall be worn at all times on the premises, and removed only in instances of disagreements (see 1.1) or celebration. Athletic supporters are not mandatory, but, cmon. 1.7 Nepotism Nepotism shall be rewarded and encouraged. Family members of previously successful employees shall be determined to possess equal or superior skills to the aforementioned. Automatic respect will be garnered. 1.8 Alcohol & Drugs Use of alcohol and drugs on work premises are strictly forbidden, except during celebrations or getting ready for a big day. Alcohol and drug use on employees personal time shall be discouraged, though ignored if said employees are productive or adhere to The Code or have grit and admirable character. 1.9 Media Relations After each workday, all employees shall be required to address the media. Team leaders and divisional executives shall issue brief statements, followed by terse and adversarial responses to the medias questions. The media shall, at all times, be considered ill-informed and intrusive. Employees will be permitted to answer questions with only the following five responses: We gave a 100% and put in a full day. Its all about the team. I refer you to The Code. Were taking it one day at a time. Only time will tell. Any media member who challenges the policies or activities of the organization will be questioned for not having previously worked in our industry, and dismissed for a lack of understanding of The Code or the merits of those who have grit and admirable character. 2.0 Treatment of Co-Workers All co-workers shall refer to each other by their first name or surname with a –y added to the end (Smith=Smithy or Smitty, Dave=Davey) or by a nickname that is equally affectionate and insulting. Adolescent, insulting, and vile language is henceforth the norm. Employees are encouraged to insult co-workers by calling each other by names that are not gender appropriate, referring to having intercourse with each others mothers and/or partners, and to question both the size and effectiveness of employees manhood. Such language is noted to adhere to The Code, and those who excel at its employment are seen to have grit and admirable character. 2.1 Transferability Henceforth, all employee contracts are transferable. Without notice or warning, any employee may be transferred to another organization. Reasoning for the transfer must include: Spite. Mismanagement. An attempt to shake things up. Disagreement over compensation. Perceived disrespect. Employees request. Failure to adhere to The Code. Lack of grit and/or admirable character. Alternately, employees may now be demoted to subsidiary organizations with lesser facilities in lesser locations, though these subsidiaries are known to foster grit and admirable character. 2.2 Repercussions Minor violation of any of these policies, or any act that violates The Code, will result in a half-day banishment to a secured cubicle that has been built in each divisions workspace. While in the secured cubicle, penalized employees will feel shame. Major violations shall require suspensions at the purview of management, though the length of any suspension shall not be related to any other. At the discretion of management, minor and major violations may be ignored if they are deemed to fall under the discretion of The Code. In such instances, the offending party shall be labeled as having grit and admirable character. Conclusion Each of these policies may change without notice or rationale at the discretion of management, and every 4-8 years the workplace shall be shutdown for 8 months to reevaluate all policies to the great frustration of our valued customers. All employees are forthwith encouraged to adhere to The Code and develop grit and admirable character, or they should go work for a European organization. Interested parties may opt to enroll in the organizations monthly character building workshops on the Sutter Family farm in Viking, Alberta. Air Max 95 Outlet Schweiz . - All-Pro quarterback Aaron Rodgers looked spry enough in pregame warmups Sunday for Green Bays divisional playoff game against Dallas. Günstige Air Max 95 Schweiz . - Olympic champion Marielle Thompson accomplished her mission of defending her skicross World Cup title at Nakiska Ski Area on Saturday. http://www.airmax95schweiz.ch/. The 49ers announced the deal Thursday. San Francisco selected Kilgore in the fifth round of the 2011 draft out of Appalachian State. He has played in 33 regular-season games, plus all six playoff games the last two seasons. Air Max 95 Günstig Schweiz . Minutes before the final whistle of Sporting Kansas Citys 3-0 victory over a shorthanded Montreal Impact squad on Saturday afternoon, Saputo tweeted: "Our fans deserve better. Air Max 95 Günstig .The Toronto Raptors guard, who will represent the Eastern Conference at the All-Star Game in New Orleans on Sunday, says he doesnt complain in the face of adversity "because I know this little girl is just happy for anything.Canadas Sports Leader heads to Hollywood for the biggest awards event in sports, THE 2014 ESPYS, hosted by Toronto-born Grammy Award-winning platinum-selling recording artist Drake from the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles. The awards show will feature 33 categories highlighted by the honours of "Best Male Athlete," "Best Female Athlete" and "Best Team." Nominees in the "Best Male Athlete" category include NBA MVP Kevin Durant, MLB AL MVP Miguel Cabrera, NFL MVP Peyton Manning, and undefeated lightweight boxing champ Floyd Mayweather, who are all vying to take home the honour for the first time. The "Best Female Athlete" category also showcases a collection of fresh faces this year with WNBA star Maya Moore the only returning nominee. Others include the first female UFC champion, Ronda Rousey, the youngest Olympic slalom gold medalist, Mikaela Shiffrin, and college basketball Player of the Year, Breanna Stewart. Award winners at The 2014 ESPYS will also include Michael Sam, who will be honoured with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award, Stuart Scott, this years recipient of the Jimmy V Perseverance Award, and Josh Sweeney. Sweeney, a U.S. Paralympic gold medal sled hockey player and Purple Heart recipient, will be the first winner of The Pat Tillman Award for Service, a new annual ESPYS honour. Best Male Athlete Miguel Cabrera Detroit Tigers Kevin Durant Oklahoma City Thunder Peyton Manning Denver Broncos Floyd Mayweather Boxing Best Female Athlete Maya Moore Minnesota Lynx Ronda Rousey UFC Fighter Mikaela Shiffrin Alpine Skiing Breanna Stewart UConn Basketball Best Team Boston Red Sox Los Angeles Kings San Antonio Spurs Seattle Seahawks Connecticut Womens Basketball Florida State Football Best Game Auburn vs.dddddddddddd Alabama Iron Bowl Colts vs. Chiefs AFC Wild Card Game Rangers vs. Kings Stanley Cup Final Game 5 Best NFL Player Jamaal Charles Kansas City Chiefs Luke Kuechly Carolina Panthers Peyton Manning Denver Broncos LeSean McCoy Philadelphia Eagles Russell Wilson Seattle Seahawks Best NBA Player Kevin Durant Oklahoma City Thunder Blake Griffin Los Angeles Clippers LeBron James Miami Heat Joakim Noah Chicago Bulls Best MLB Player Miguel Cabrera Detroit Tigers Chris Davis Baltimore Orioles Clayton Kershaw Los Angeles Dodgers Max Scherzer Detroit Tigers Mike Trout Los Angeles Angels Best NHL Player Sidney Crosby Pittsburgh Penguins Ryan Getzlaf Anaheim Ducks Anze Kopitar Los Angeles Kings Henrik Lundqvist New York Rangers Jonathan Toews Chicago Blackhawks TSN2s exclusive Canadian coverage begins Wednesday at 7pm et/4pm pt with The 2014 ESPYS Countdown followed by The 2014 ESPYS at 9pm et/6pm pt. TSN subscribers can also access live and on demand coverage of The 2014 ESPYS via TSN.ca and TSN GO. ' ' '